I don’t want to play anymore. It’s 3 AM – I am wide awake yet exhausted. Awoken by thirst and need for the bathroom I knew something was up. Rather than insert a new CGM sensor before bed I decided to forego this task until morning and use my glucometer… boop beep boop …. 303 pops up my on meter (not surprising given the way I feel right now). It is clear my attempt at temp basal-ing after an earlier low blood sugar has failed. Lately this game has turned into a cyclical chase of highs and lows. Although I am working to straighten out this roller coaster, it has become mentally and physically wearing, and for now I’m just tired. For one day, a whole 24 hours, I would like to shut my brain off and know what it is like to feel “normal”. By normal I mean physically and to also not be mentally consumed by T1D. This all encompassing disease truly effects every single aspect of your life. A full time job that no one applies for. Both high and low blood sugars literally suck, and they suck all the energy out of you. Although they are not (hopefully) constant, what remains constant is the worry of when your blood sugar is in normal range the potential for it to go high or low. There is no break. Being that my lifestyle revolves around being tethered to gadgets 24/7. Ok, so I guess saying I’m a little bionic can be cool… maybe… and although they have a huge impact on my quality of life, being responsible for these said devices can get a little old. In addition to my insulin pump, the CGM (continuous glucose monitor) has made a world of a difference. Perfect example right here…had I just inserted the new one, I definitely would have caught this high blood sugar much earlier that’s for sure, but I’ll be honest….I F*ing hate inserting that thing. Yes, yes once I do it, it is never as bad as I think it will be, however… let it be known I never was or will ever be ok with injecting anything. Period. Just because I do it, does not mean I am ok with it. More so, there is no choice, this is my lifeline, therefore I do it.
Generally speaking, keeping a positive attitude despite the trials and tribulations of diabetes is the way to go, but for right now I’m having a moment. A moment of feeling defeated and a bit broken….I’m human, it happens. Why can’t things just work? The unfortunate truth stares me in the face. There are so many factors that go into it, there is no hard answer, no science to it. Finding the balance of everything is an art, an art that is ever evolving and changing. The only hard answer is that my pancreas does not work, that will never change. As much as I would like to throw my hands up and say ok “You Win”….tomorrow is new day. A fresh start to conquer the world with T1D. As my blood sugar comes back down ever so slowly (we’re now at 223) I am thinking about tomorrow, how I’m going to tackle the day and my goal to “stay between the lines” on my CGM. I may not be winning right now, but watch out diabetes, I will own you. One of these days I am going to be able to say “GAME OVER” I win!